Apartment Read online

  To Angus, my happiness

  BY THE SAME AUTHOR

  Loner

  The Love Song of Jonny Valentine

  Kapitoil

  Contents

  1996

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  1997

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  After

  Acknowledgments

  A Note on the Author

  Incapable of living with people, of speaking. Complete immersion in myself, thinking of myself. Apathetic, witless, fearful. I have nothing to say to anyone—never.

  —Franz Kafka, diary entry, April 27, 1915

  The happiness of being with people.

  —Franz Kafka, diary entry, February 2, 1922

  1996

  1

  I was looking down at my lap, wishing I weren’t there, when I heard Billy speak for the first time.

  “I guess I had a different take from everyone else,” he said in a baritone as flat as the Illinois topography from which it came.

  I couldn’t see him, as we were at opposite ends of a classroom, its windows wide open to alleviate the torpor of late August 1996. Should previous decades be defined by an article of clothing and an intoxicant—a gray flannel suit and a martini, tie-dye and marijuana, bell-bottoms and hallucinogens, shoulder pads and cocaine—the mid-nineties were relaxed-fit Gap jeans and light beer. An edgeless era of global-superpower peace and American prosperity, sandwiched between the triumphant and calamitous falls of the Berlin Wall and the World Trade Center. The outcome of the most inconsequential presidential election of modern times, Clinton-Dole, surprised no one. The interregnum for mindless and all-consuming scandal, a year removed from the double murder trial of a football player turned movie star, seventeen months from the revelation of Oval Office fellatio. McVeigh, Koresh, Kaczynski, their obverses a brood of floppy-haired matinee idols, each tending to his own private, melancholy wound.

  The dozen graduate students in our stuffy Dodge Hall room were part of a much larger cohort enrolled in Columbia University’s Master of Fine Arts Writing Program. Our fiction workshop leader for the fall semester, Sylvia, had been garlanded with a general’s uniform of awards for her debut novel two decades earlier and had produced just one other since then—“a slender volume” was the tag applied to that one-hundred-forty-page white-space-filled book. Her modest output, however, had only burnished her renown as an author of sparingly curated and therefore ostensibly perfect words, and we first-years were duly awed by her reputation, along with the contrast of her silver hair and fire-engine-red lipstick.

  She had called us a few weeks before the semester began, drafting volunteers to bring work to our brief orientation meeting so we would have something to discuss in the opening class. Hoping to impress as an intrepid pioneer, I had signed up and photocopied the first chapter of my novel in progress. In truth, I was terrified of Sylvia’s and my peers’ judgment. I’d been accepted to Columbia on the strength of my most polished story from my undergraduate days and hadn’t shown anyone the four hundred extant pages of The Copy Chief, whose setting was inspired by one of the freelance copyediting jobs I’d held in my two postcollegiate years at a glossy men’s magazine in Midtown Manhattan.

  The narrator of The Copy Chief is—shockingly—a young copy editor toiling in a freelance capacity at a glossy men’s magazine in Midtown Manhattan. He describes the periodical as “the kind that often photographed its monthly male cover model in a sweat-glazed, post-workout glow, superimposed over which were exclamatory imperatives to its readers to gain grooming, sartorial, and abdominal mastery.” In an inspired twist, our introspective hero happens to be writing a novel that no one else has read but that is, it is strongly implied, a work of singular brilliance. He is supervised by a middle-aged copy chief, Bart (an homage to “Bartleby, the Scrivener”), who speaks roughly ten words aloud each day as he pores over the minutiae of the magazine, ensuring there are no grammatical or spelling mistakes and that the indexed listings of hair products are in the proper house style (name, price—never the reverse).

  “A good copy editor’s presence is barely felt,” Bart tells the narrator on his first day. “If you’re good, you go unnoticed.”

  I had, of course, worked under a similar man, though nothing dramatic ever occurred during my tenure. Among other infidelities to autobiography, the protagonist, by the end of the first chapter, finds the scribblings of the copy chief in his wastebasket late one night, discovering that Bart, by day a slave to desiccated language and late-capitalist vacuity, possesses a richly imaginative private life in which he repurposes the magazine copy as enjambed poems. The narrator is heartened that his affectless boss nurtures this hidden passion yet despairs to see the unripened fruits of it rotting away—the minor-key tragedy of suppressed creativity. The rest of the novel tracks him as he unearths embezzlement at the magazine, perpetrated by the caddish editor in chief, and reports on it in a long article published in the magazine itself, thanks to the assistance of Bart, who smuggles in the exposé after hours. Both men are grandly rewarded by the publishing industry for their heroism. I had mapped out all the head-snapping plot points in a spreadsheet, with additional columns labeled SYMBOLS, THEMES, and ULYSSES/ODYSSEY ALLUSIONS.

  Two hours earlier, Sylvia, sipping a mug of tea despite the heat, had welcomed us and talked about what she saw as the purpose of workshop. “There is no good reason, at this stage of your life, to play it safe and hold back,” she’d said. “This is the time to experiment and make mistakes and open yourself up to brutally honest feedback. That’s the only way to grow as an artist. Fail again, fail better.”

  I was scheduled to be workshopped last of the three students that day, and the dangling threats of brutality and failure didn’t help my nerves. The first writer up was a girl with a delicate voice that sounded on the verge of breaking as she read a page from her story, about a preteen visiting her grandmother’s retirement home.

  “I really admired how Olivia inhabits the child’s point of view in a way that feels authentic” was my only comment, a remark offered as much out of genuine conviction as reassurance for the author’s potentially fragile ego. Sylvia and the rest of the class were equally gentle and encouraging, acting less like warriors on the savage rhetorical battlefield MFA classrooms were fabled to be than kindergarten teachers praising a child’s first finger painting.

  I strained to find something positive to say about the next story but dug deep into my tool kit of workshop jargon. “I have to admit, I initially balked at the spaceship setting,” I said, “but I thought Jacob defamiliarized it with such deft prose.” The class was again in genial agreement, the tenor that of a mutually supportive group therapy session.

  “As I read The Copy Chief, I had a few questions,” Sylvia said, her reading glasses beginning their perpetual slippage down the slope of her Roman nose. “Namely, is the choice of a writer-protagonist in a bildungsroman too facile and predictable? Don’t we assume from the outset that, despite the obstacles in his way, he’ll eventually come into his own as an artist, as the genre essentially mandates?”

  Her sentences were incontrovertible declarations of fact masquerading as inquiries. Though she issued a follow-up hedge—“Of course, that may be the author’s desire, to portray a writer struggling under the weight of his own clichés”—Sylvia’s opening remark had the effect of adding a drop of blood to shark-infested waters.

  “The literary references felt overdetermined,” a student said. “The main character’s not really someone I want to root
for,” said another. And the most lacerating dig: “He comes off like an upper-middle-class whiner.”

  My classmate exposed an insecurity that had burrowed deeper in recent years as the gaudy excesses of the eighties had backlashed into a post–Cold War fetishization of authenticity: the obvious socioeconomic advantages of my accurately pegged provenance nonwithstanding, it was a severe artistic drawback. A sturdy, dull rung on the tax ladder, not wealthy enough to salaciously spy on the true upper crust, too cosseted to send back dispatches on the destitute, and not even in the broad middle swath of America, where every adolescent experience, every chili dog eaten, every keg party in the woods, could feasibly represent some neo-Rockwellian universal. Probably half of our incoming class had had a similar upbringing—Columbia’s extortionate tuition and dearth of fellowship stipends saw to that—but I nonetheless became the workshop’s whipping boy.

  The comments grew fanged, cataloging irksome details and turns of phrase, an uncensored focus group for a despised product. Forbidden by protocol to speak, I masochistically transcribed my classmates’ slurs in my spiral-bound notebook, though I knew I was done with the novel. Keeping it to myself had let me prolong the fantasy that I was crafting a masterpiece in seclusion. But I wasn’t. I was merely another Steve (my real-life inspiration for Bart) in the making, educated well enough to smooth out the choppy syntax of a middlebrow magazine or write a serviceable academic paper yet missing whatever it took to produce real literature—which the fictional Bart had, at least, buried beneath his layers of blank banality.

  “You know how book reviews always call something ‘unflinching’?” a girl asked. “Well, here it feels like the protagonist is flinching, like he doesn’t want to really examine himself. And I wonder if all the plotty stuff that’s happening is to make up for the fact that this isn’t juggling enough emotional balls in the air.”

  The heat that had been gathering in my body for half an hour broke through the skin like a barbarian horde breaching a walled city, my hairline prickling and my lower back moistening with perspiration. My hyperactive sweat glands have always punched well above their weight class, a condition exacerbated by crowded spaces or, as it was then, observation by others. The dog-days mugginess provided some cover for my secretions but also made it worse, and soon a fat drop of sweat dripped down my nose and plopped onto my notebook, splotching the blue ink into a watercolor; then another, detonating like a compact liquid bomb. I could sense the others noticing and swiped my brow with a forearm. It came off shiny as an eel.

  Then Billy spoke.

  “It evokes the tedium of office life without being boring itself, which is hard to do,” he continued after acknowledging his difference of opinion. “I see how his background could rub people the wrong way, but I thought the narrator was pretty conscious of it. And you can’t really help what you’re born into.”

  He paused. “I don’t know,” he said. “I just really liked it.”

  Upon hearing this lone, plainspoken but carefully considered voice of dissent, the class appeared as taken aback as I was. My sympathetic nervous system finally ceased its frenetic pumping. After a disoriented silence—no one had the heart, or lack of it, to resume the pile-on—Sylvia declared that class was over, and I gathered everyone’s marked-up copies of my chapter and editorial letters to me.

  Billy was one of the students who distributed pages for the next week. Before I could glance out of curiosity at his first page, someone suggested we all go for a drink.

  Most of the class migrated from Dodge Hall to a characterless bar a couple of blocks away. After our group staked out a corner in a crowd composed mostly of Columbia students, I went to the men’s room to splash water on my face. When I returned, my classmates had ordered pitchers of beer and were dividing up to play darts. Billy and I were assigned to the same team.

  “Thanks for that, back there,” I said quietly.

  “No need to thank me,” he said.

  I hadn’t gotten a good look at him up close before. His face was framed by black hair that fell in low-amplitude waves to his jaw, at which point its ends curled up like old parchment. He wore a faded and holey black T-shirt of gauzy cotton, the kind I always foraged for in East Village vintage stores, both for their appearance and because, counterintuitively, their semi-sheer material masked sweat well. They couldn’t be acquired new but had to have the right original constitution then be worn down over hundreds of wearings and washings while still preserving their basic integrity. His jeans, though, were acid-washed and tight, a stylistic decade behind everyone else’s, and came up an inch or two shy of where they should have dropped—which only called attention to his equally unfashionable sneakers, a dirty pair of white LA Gear high-tops with powder-blue accents. From the waist up, he fitted in; below, he resembled a Times Square tourist.

  Most of my classmates were around my age, with a few late bloomers in their thirties and forties. The younger ones struck austere poses with their cigarettes, signifying fierce intellect and tormented inner lives, but on the whole they were an earnest-looking lot. The name, rank, and serial number of hometowns, colleges, and previous jobs were referenced. When it was my turn to address the entire group, I did so with the ungainliness of a passenger climbing the first steps of a stalled escalator. Billy said he was from a small town in Illinois no one would have heard of and that he “went to school out there” and had been bartending before coming to New York.

  Our teammates proved competent on their first turns at darts, both hitting targets two out of three throws. The next time we were up, Billy deferred to me. I’d hardly ever played before. Holding my beer mug in one hand to feign nonchalance, I aimed repeatedly, like an anxious pool shooter retracting his cue too many times. My first throw veered right of the dartboard, striking the pockmarked wooden wall and clattering to the floor. I overcorrected for the second. My last split the difference—the Third Way, in the political parlance of the time—but clanked unluckily against the metal frame on the dartboard’s circumference before it, too, fluttered downward like a gun-shot bird. I stooped to pick up the three fallen arrows, all those gym-class mortifications rushing back.

  “I’m just lulling the other team into a false sense of security,” I told Billy when I returned. “Setting them up for you.”

  “Like Newman and Cruise in The Color of Money,” he said.

  “Never saw it.”

  “It’s good,” he said. “Not as good as The Hustler, but good.”

  When it was his turn, he, too, held his beer in one hand, cigarette suspended from his lips, and squared up with two practice alignments, calmly and precisely, like a seamstress threading a needle. The dart landed in one of the numbers we needed, as did his second attempt. He took extra time on his last throw, which hit the outer ring of the bull’s-eye. Our teammates clapped. Without any grandstanding he plucked out his shots, tallied up his score on the chalkboard, and handed the darts to the next player.

  “The ringer,” the guy said in that admiring but still authoritative voice men employ when paying respects to other men’s superior achievements.

  “I’m not sure that’s a good thing,” Billy said.

  Our team ended up winning, thanks in large part to his prowess, and the game disbanded as the alcohol lubricated conversation. While I waited at the bar to order another drink, Billy approached. “Hey, man,” he said. “What’re you drinking?”

  “Haven’t ordered yet,” I said. “Whatever you’re getting.”

  Billy made eye contact with the bartender. “Two whiskeys, neat, please,” he said.

  A strong scent from Billy’s body overpowered the bar’s fried finger food and spilled beer. The primary layer was the smoker’s tobacco aura, but under that lurked the nautical astringency of Old Spice deodorant, which I had long associated with my father.

  The bartender served us, and I paid before Billy could take out his wallet. “For the workshop defense,” I said.

  “I got the next one,” he said. “An
d you deserved better than that. If you want to show me the next chapter …”

  “Thanks. But after that, I’m not sure it’s worth it.”

  His wasn’t the kind of smile that lights up a room, with its implications of shotgun-spray incandescence, a movie star’s or senator’s weaponized charm. The bottom teeth were an unruly trap of dungeon spikes, though the top were straight, with one of the central incisors slightly chipped. But, detectable even then, it communicated something subtler: that he and the recipient alone shared a tragicomic appreciation of the world. Life didn’t always work out the way we wanted it to, it seemed to say, but perhaps that was the point of it.

  “I read an interview with some writer who said whenever he finishes a book, he puts it in a drawer for six months before he looks at it again,” Billy said. “And then he sees all the problems with it he couldn’t see before.”

  “Maybe I’ll do that,” I said. “In six years.”

  We raised our drinks. He slugged his back despite its not being in a shot glass, and I did the same, though I’d never been much of a whiskey drinker. He ordered two more, this time on the rocks, and paid. We drank at a more sedate pace and lit fresh cigarettes.

  “And you’re from Illinois and went to college out there, you said?” I asked after I’d told Billy my Massachusetts hometown was twenty minutes from Boston.

  He hesitated, his tongue caressing the slant of the chipped tooth. “To be honest, it was a community college,” he said. “I applied to a bunch of MFA programs and hoped they’d accept me even though I didn’t go to a four-year. Sylvia’s the only one who let me in.”

  I nodded.

  “Maybe don’t mention it to the group?” he asked. “I don’t want anyone wondering if I pulled strings or something to get in.”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  After another beat, he chuckled. “Why am I bullshitting? I just don’t want them knowing I went to community college.”